WanderingWhy…

Warning: This post contains bathroom humor and more.  If you are offended by such things you may want to hit the back button now–it’s about to get ugly.

Leaving Agra on our second Indian train journey was no less interesting.  This time we took the “Super-fast express” so it was only a five hour wait instead of six.  We were smart enough to eat breakfast this time but my usual lunch of potato chips and soda was not doing it for me.  They actually had real food available but WD took one look at the plates of food and told me no.  I was tempted to argue the sanitary conditions were fine but figured if I did get sick I would get no sympathy… not that I would anyway.

This time we had wildlife at the station to entertain us.  We saw the usual stray dogs and puppies, and the obligatory rats. But, this time there was a cow on the tracks, and a troop of monkeys that raided each train as it came through the station.  Time almost crawled by.

Why did we stay at the station instead of just coming back later you ask? Oh, well, they only announce the delays in one to two hour increments.  They wouldn’t want to anger the masses and tell them the train will be five or six hours late.  So we hung around with the monkeys.

We finally boarded the “super-fast express” and pulled out to the sight of dozens of people squatting on the empty rails dropping off yesterday’s Indian food.  WD kept telling me every time she saw one like it was the state-license plate game or something.  Somehow it never stopped surprising her.

I settled into the bunk across from her and read my book.  There are no compartments on the sleeper trains and the bunks are arranged in a U-shape. A few stops later a local family got on.  The teenage son was a big oafy kid and took the bunk at the bottom of the U.

I thought the kid had whooping cough.  He sounded terrible and hacked and spat everywhere.  Forget covering your mouth-this is India where germs are taken to an art form.  WD soon dubbed him “Typhoid Timmy.”

WD wrapped her scarf around her nose and mouth to avoid catching the terminal illness and read the guidebook.  She analyzed the train timetables and convinced herself we would not arrive until 2 am.  The thought of hanging out with Timmy until 2 am did not sit well.

I glanced down and saw some movement between the peanut shells on the floor and WD’s shoes.  I swore it was a rat and broke out my flashlight to chase it away before it chewed through my backpack to get at the cookies.  Of course I had no good cover-up to feed WD as to what I was doing which did not help things.

The conductor showed up to check our ticket.  I asked him how much longer it would be and he said only 1 hour.  This helped bring WD back from the dark side.  We chatted with the conductor a bit.  “America! Very powerful country” seems to be the recurring theme in India, followed by “Obama!”  The “very powerful country” line seems a bit strange to open a conversation… I find myself unsure what to say in response.

Happy the super-fast express was indeed super-fast once we were on board, I settled back into my book and WD relaxed.

My reading concentration was broken a short while later when WD called me over to her bench and whispered “I think that kid over there is whacking off.”  A quick glance in my peripheral and it seemed that was indeed the case, Typhoid Timmy had become: “Trench-coat Tommy.”

“No he’s not, he’s just spanking one of the monkeys that climbed in the window at the station.” I suggested. “Or a rabid ferret crawled underneath his blanket and is chasing the rat I saw before.”

“I can’t believe he’s doing that in public!” WD said incredulous.  I found myself defending the kid.  “At least he has the covers on.” I offered.

Thankfully we were saved by a loud “CHAIiii” from one of the approaching tea vendors coming down the isle.  The monkey, ferret, and rat all jumped out the window and Typhoid lay as still as a corpse.

WD started speaking very loudly about “WHACKING OFF IN PUBLIC!”  I thought the poor kid’s mother would hear, the dumb bastard.  “Will you relax?” I said.  “It’s not like he was looking at you when he did it.”

“And besides… he stopped coughing.”

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